The stranger under my skin

Everyday I wake up to the sound of my alarm which happens to be a dreadful tune that I never wish to hear again. Then again, I don’t bother changing it because any sound that is intended to wake me up becomes something that causes my insides to fill with horror.

A few weeks ago, I clicked on a video where the opening tune was the sound of my ex ringtone. God, I almost had a heart attack.

As soon as I wake up, all I can think of is going back to sleep. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I got; I always want more. I am greedy like that. Somehow, prying my eyes open take up too much energy and laying on bed is the only option.

As I lay on bed, I will think about the amount of energy it will take me to get up, dress up, eat, walk down the street while not knowing where to exactly look, converse with people, avoid the creepy guy in the station, judge myself subconsciously, feel bad for not being a good companion to everyone around me and so many other things.

I wasn’t always like this. A year ago or maybe even six months ago, no matter how little sleep I got, I could always wake up on time and function normally. I was energetic and it wasn’t the energy that came with being excited about life. It was a regular person’s energy.

Sadly, now it’s gone and I seem to be always exhausted. I can’t remember the last time I woke up filled with joy and enthusiasm for the day. Facing reality is too much right now. Five days of class and two days of work doesn’t really help my case.

I always procrastinate when it comes to studying. Miraculously, my teachers are happy with my work so far. If only they knew how drastically that is about to change.

Whenever I get a book to study or turn on the computer to complete my e-learning, I end up doing something else instead of being productive because I just don’t feel ‘right’.

I am either feeling too cold or too hot or too irritated or there is a burning sensation in my stomach or my eyes feel too heavy or my head hurts or I need to pee and the list goes on and on. And although I am well aware of the consequences of my actions, I cannot for the life of me motivate myself to get things done.

I don’t believe that I can achieve my goals by remaining a sloth and I have a very short amount of time to get my sh*t together. Sometimes, when I am really motivated or just think about getting things done, I get stuck in my own head. I can’t concentrate in whatever it is that I am trying to do. I can’t concentrate on anything but I want to do everything at once and it drives me insane.

Every free minute in my life is usually wasted by watching pointless videos or thinking about how tragic the world is or about my infinite incompetencies or about how much I don’t enjoy my job and what not. Then I remind myself of what I have and remind myself to be grateful as well because I have a more ‘privileged’ life than a lot of people including some of my richer friends.

So, I look for a solution because I don’t want to throw away this ‘privilege.’ I want to use it to achieve something that I can give back to the people around me.

Thankfully, sometimes I succeed in finding the vague and unexplainable solution that leads me to get some work done. Most of the times however, I don’t.


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