On being doubtful

My failure in life has been well timed and well deserved. On Thursday, I got my results which will decide whether I am going to have a choice at picking my University or not. Well, I am not going to be able to choose my University because I got a C in Biology, C in Chemistry and D in Mathematics. On the less dark side, I have a B in AS level Psychology.

I was not expecting good results. We do know ourselves better than anyone else after all. But what I wasn’t prepared for is the lack of clarity that followed afterwards. I swear, I have not had a good night’s sleep since Wednesday.

I am very much inclined to believe that I am too stupid for A* or an elite University. I have spent so much time, energy and resources gathering experience for getting into Medicine, that my whole life is beginning to feel like a waste. I always did excellent during my school life and have the worthless certificates to prove it.

Whenever I was practising a past paper, I couldn’t understand why I kept making the same mistakes, and it wasn’t as simple as going over the stuff. I should’ve asked for help. But what’s done is done, so gonna end at that.

Failure is painful. It sucks knowing what I could’ve done right. Worst of all, this year I have been the type of people that talk big but don’t take action. I abhor it. I was never like this and that needs to change.

Honestly, I don’t know if I am stupid or not. I made too many mistakes this year and unfortunately this is the year that’s going to determine what my fate is going to be for years to come. I have so much doubt that it’s eating away at my gray cells.

Within a few days after receiving my results, I completed my UCAS, wrote my personal statement in a day and sent it off today morning. Then I called up Universities that ranked between average and lower to see if they would offer me a place in Biomedical Science, because I am not getting any younger and need to get a degree, then apply for graduate Medicine so that all those years of work don’t go to waste, plus I don’t know what else to do with my life. It was my dream to become a doctor, you see.

Right now, I hold an offer from the University of Bradford. It is not the best University but it’s not the worst either. I liked speaking to the biomedicine admission tutor. I am not sure if I even want to study Biomedical Science though. I know it’s not something I will hate because I do enjoy science but what if I hate the University or the area. Whenever I google Bradford a bunch of negative stuff come up. Oh, a lot of xenophobic commentary as well.

I think I deserve it because I am not a nice person. I always dreamed of being part of a prestigious University. I guess my pride was the downfall of me. It is true that employers are biased towards elite Universities and I cannot help but wonder whether getting a degree on a subject I am not sure about from a University that is average will be worth three years of my life. Then there is the massive debt and increasing interest that I will have to deal with. I might get awfully homesick and Bradford is quite far away from London. Did I mention how expensive and competitive graduate medicine is?

I am grateful for everything but I cannot switch my brain off. I don’t know what I should do and I have two days to decide before Bradford cancels their offer. I don’t know if I should resit my A2 level…are they even offering resits anymore? I have a feeling that if I resit, the best I will get is Bs. God, there are just way too many possibilities of failure.

I just wish I knew what is the greatest fascination of my life. Even though, this has to be the most stressful time of my existence, I have hope that the dots will connect eventually. It’s not so bad to accept that I am not as smart. I just pray for resilience and patience to get through this and stop making all the wrong decisions.

 

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2 thoughts on “On being doubtful”

  1. Just hold on and have faith, and everything’s going to come through in the end 🙂 And no matter what anyone says, what’s done is done and no point in repenting it. I don’t know anything about University of Bradford, but if it is the best college out of the ones which offered you a place, then go ahead and take it.
    I don’t have whether you’re welcome to my comment now because this basically seemed like a private, venting-out post (and I’m sorry if I’m doing something wrong by commenting) but I love the flow in your writing and how even in such a situation, you’ve turned to writing. That’s good to see.
    Finally, I’m just going to say that I feel you, because everything you’ve written is something I might be going through next year. I have to give my 12th boards in 5 months, and these are the exams which make or break my life. And I can’t tell you how much that unnerves me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Anushka, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words of encouragement. While it was more personal and ranty, you are more than welcome to comment. 🙂
      I am not in a position to advice but with mistakes comes lessons and believe me its not too late for you. If you need help please ask for it. If you are struggling speak to a teacher. I dont know your situation but i hope you can pass with flying colours. Goodluck with everything.
      Ps. Pardon my bad grammar as I am replying in a rush.
      Thanks again for you lovely comment and dont give up. Best of luck!

      Liked by 1 person

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