My failure in life has been well timed and well deserved. On Thursday, I got my results which will decide whether I am going to have a choice at picking my University or not. Well, I am not going to be able to choose my University because I got a C in Biology, C in Chemistry and D in Mathematics. On the less dark side, I have a B in AS level Psychology.
I was not expecting good results. We do know ourselves better than anyone else after all. But what I wasn’t prepared for is the lack of clarity that followed afterwards. I swear, I have not had a good night’s sleep since Wednesday.
I am very much inclined to believe that I am too stupid for A* or an elite University. I have spent so much time, energy and resources gathering experience for getting into Medicine, that my whole life is beginning to feel like a waste. I always did excellent during my school life and have the worthless certificates to prove it.
Whenever I was practising a past paper, I couldn’t understand why I kept making the same mistakes, and it wasn’t as simple as going over the stuff. I should’ve asked for help. But what’s done is done, so gonna end at that.
Failure is painful. It sucks knowing what I could’ve done right. Worst of all, this year I have been the type of people that talk big but don’t take action. I abhor it. I was never like this and that needs to change.
Honestly, I don’t know if I am stupid or not. I made too many mistakes this year and unfortunately this is the year that’s going to determine what my fate is going to be for years to come. I have so much doubt that it’s eating away at my gray cells.
Within a few days after receiving my results, I completed my UCAS, wrote my personal statement in a day and sent it off today morning. Then I called up Universities that ranked between average and lower to see if they would offer me a place in Biomedical Science, because I am not getting any younger and need to get a degree, then apply for graduate Medicine so that all those years of work don’t go to waste, plus I don’t know what else to do with my life. It was my dream to become a doctor, you see.
Right now, I hold an offer from the University of Bradford. It is not the best University but it’s not the worst either. I liked speaking to the biomedicine admission tutor. I am not sure if I even want to study Biomedical Science though. I know it’s not something I will hate because I do enjoy science but what if I hate the University or the area. Whenever I google Bradford a bunch of negative stuff come up. Oh, a lot of xenophobic commentary as well.
I think I deserve it because I am not a nice person. I always dreamed of being part of a prestigious University. I guess my pride was the downfall of me. It is true that employers are biased towards elite Universities and I cannot help but wonder whether getting a degree on a subject I am not sure about from a University that is average will be worth three years of my life. Then there is the massive debt and increasing interest that I will have to deal with. I might get awfully homesick and Bradford is quite far away from London. Did I mention how expensive and competitive graduate medicine is?
I am grateful for everything but I cannot switch my brain off. I don’t know what I should do and I have two days to decide before Bradford cancels their offer. I don’t know if I should resit my A2 level…are they even offering resits anymore? I have a feeling that if I resit, the best I will get is Bs. God, there are just way too many possibilities of failure.
I just wish I knew what is the greatest fascination of my life. Even though, this has to be the most stressful time of my existence, I have hope that the dots will connect eventually. It’s not so bad to accept that I am not as smart. I just pray for resilience and patience to get through this and stop making all the wrong decisions.