A letter to myself

If you write this on a piece of paper, you will never get around to reading it again. You’re lazy like that. You were never any good at revising things. Maybe, that’s why you failed so much.

But you know, failure doesn’t have to be a permanent state and success doesn’t mean rich and famous in your book. You know that you have to go with the flow of life but never settle for anything less, as contradictory that may sound. To give it your hundred and ten percent and if it still doesn’t work out, let it be.

You have a bizarre sort of obsessive nature unlike that of inventors and them lot. Periods of dormancy and demotivation followed by euphoric visions of achievement. Sometimes, you don’t even know what that achievement you are working towards even is. But you feel so motivated and being productive the whole day feels so good that you forget. You forget that this feeling will not last long. Those periods of productive outbursts are shorter and fewer than those of demotivation and burn outs.

Back in the days, you were so clearly delusional. Even today, looking back you can’t believe that you actually fell for the lies (of unrealistic ambitions) that you told yourself. It’s difficult for you to have a clear image of what you are doing and why, when you are so into it. That it being your obsessive nature surfacing, telling you to push yourself not just to your limits but beyond which you will break.

You forget. Not everyone has the same skills or the same dreams. The breaking point differs between people. You think, if others are able to do it then why do I find it so difficult. One good thing about yourself, however, is that you stick to somethings. Not all things, sometimes you run away. But, while the things you stuck to were never a success, it made you more skilled in those areas. So, when you start something else, you have an idea of what to expect and rough skills too. Thank you for that. For not completely backing away and going above and beyond your comfort to make things easier in the present and the future.

You want to do something great. That’s what once motivated you to study medicine and do humanitarian work around the world because you don’t believe you have other useful skills. Not to be known, neither to make money. Perhaps, it’d make you feel worthy in your own eyes. Or maybe, you inherited a somewhat altruistic nature. You are rather selfish, can’t deny that.

Before your obsession to do everything takes over, remember this: at this stage of your life, your education is more important than the things you are doing besides it. You worry a lot about financial matters. Not out of greed, sometimes out of a desire to help and sometimes out of superficial reasons. Whatever you may feel, you know, money won’t buy you the redemption that you seek.

You want to be helpful in your community but you were never that great with autonomy. At the same time, you are taking steps on changing that. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Why are you always so hard on yourself? So many days, feeling down about the silliest of things.

You really dislike reflecting on your AS level year. Because after that, you realised you had some degrees of the inferiority complex. Always so insecure about your personality, forgetting how fundamentally it makes you, you. Some days, no one can stop you from feeling so very alien. You know, you’re as mediocre as they come but you feel as though no one will ever understand your life experience, your taste, your interests, the way your mind works. You never cease to feel guilty about it though. How self-centered it is wanting to be understood.

All of that aside, you must remember not to take on too much. To stop yourself, take a step back and re-evaluate what you are doing and why. You have to stop this desire to compensate for the lack of common experience you have. Not going on holidays every single summer, not being able to swim or bike, not feeling like you are a fun enough person, not doing useful work and so on. So bloody first world problems. But you feel so guilty about these feelings, maybe that’s why you want to do something for the people who aren’t lucky enough to be plagued by first world problems; A redemption for all that petty bitterness you never wanted and are never rid of.

Before you go, here’s the few things you need to remember from your past mistakes:

  • Don’t get fixated on the future and focus on the present. It’s okay to not know what you want or where you want to be. If life seems uneventful, have some faith in it and go with flow. Because either ways, you always ended up going with the flow.
  • Notice when you feel overwhelmed but never let fear hold you back. If something isn’t working out, it was never meant to be. Just leave it be and move forward.
  • Don’t let somethings you see and hear make you bitter. Focus on the things you have rather than the things you don’t have. Improve your eating habits and lifestyle for vitality.
  • Never forget how much you enjoy learning for the sake of it.

 


Featured image collected from musings of a poetic soul via facebook.

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