Life consists of many fleeting moments. None of which lasts for long. Sometimes change isn’t noticeable until we step away from our lives and have a look back at how far we’ve come. The last two or three months, I had to face a few of my ghosts. I didn’t even know they existed.
I began attending counselling sessions available at my university wellbeing centre in November. A year ago, I would not even consider it. I always assumed it’d be of no help. But my mental health started suffering again and I realised I needed to make a change. My grades always suffer when I fall into a low place.
The first step for me was to accept that I had mental health issues. It took me a while to understand that episodes of lightheadedness, shivering, shallow breathing were symptoms for a form of panic attack. I had a chat with my doctor about what anxiety feels like and she explained to me that what I felt was a form of panic/anxiety attack. Of course, it’s good to remember that it’s different for different people. She also highlighted signs of depression for me and suggested some medical treatments for consideration. So far, I am not quite leaning towards medication because I feel that my situation isn’t that serious. Although, I do not believe there’s anything wrong with going on medication.
I like to believe I am not particularly attached to anything and am simply going with the flow of life. Which turned out to be utter bull. I have a hard time moving on from even little things and letting them go. Not for everything but for some moments, life events, memories, pain…residing at the back of my mind slowly spreading its poison to disrupt my peace and happiness.
I’ve cried more this term than I ever did in my entire life. And I say that without the slightest exaggeration. I carry a lot of unnecessary shame and guilt and always forget to treat myself with compassion. Some days, I still don’t believe I am worthy of my own compassion. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t let other people treat me the way I treat myself! But I am starting to accept things as they are and it has made space for more kindness, compassion and possibilities in my heart.
There are some things that cannot see the day of light as they are intertwined with lives that are not mine. So, we’ll talk about things that are lesser in weight. Insignificance is a feeling I struggle with constantly. If you saw me, you’d never realise that. Once, I was in a room and it was full of chatter and laughter and I was smiling too. It was great because at that moment I realised humanity amongst itself is insignificant. That feeling of watching everyone live their lives from the sideline seemed a privilege. I hope, one day I will have that same moment of introspection again.
Whenever I witness happiness or a spark of joy in myself, I cling to it. And it is the greatest tragedy of my life. I forget the more important things that need my attention. I let that moment define me and when it changes as do most states of life, it crushes me. And I never learned the lesson that broken heart of mine tried to teach me repeatedly. But I do now and it’s this; all moments are fleeting. It’s okay to let things go and have hope in better days. While low moments in life are inevitable, so are the euphoric moments that accompany them.
I also learned another thing. Immersing in joyous moments without looking around. What does that mean? I am to some degree an empath which means I am sensitive to the changes in emotions of the people around me. Which is both a curse and a blessing. I used to not let myself feel joy for something if my friend/family or just the people around me didn’t feel it. I always felt ashamed of enjoying the little things in life. Almost as if life’s not worth being happy about unless the people around me validated my choices.
Things take time and I am willing to be patient. I finally feel that I don’t have to apologise for being the range of traits and emotions that make me, me. Some days, I do have moments that drag me back to all the dark corners I am lighting candles in to illuminate. And other days, there are things beyond my control that blows away those candles…things that are not about identity but are just difficult to go through. Either ways, I have come to accept that in the end it will work out as it always does.
Through it all, let the beauty of all these moments adorn your eyes and curl those lips of yours into a smile.