an evanescent piece of paradise

Life consists of many fleeting moments. None of which lasts for long. Sometimes change isn’t noticeable until we step away from our lives and have a look back at how far we’ve come. The last two or three months, I had to face a few of my ghosts. I didn’t even know they existed.

I began attending counselling sessions available at my university wellbeing centre in November. A year ago, I would not even consider it. I always assumed it’d be of no help. But my mental health started suffering again and I realised I needed to make a change. My grades always suffer when I fall into a low place.

The first step for me was to accept that I had mental health issues. It took me a while to understand that episodes of lightheadedness, shivering, shallow breathing were symptoms for a form of panic attack. I had a chat with my doctor about what anxiety feels like and she explained to me that what I felt was a form of panic/anxiety attack. Of course, it’s good to remember that it’s different for different people. She also highlighted signs of depression for me and suggested some medical treatments for consideration. So far, I am not quite leaning towards medication because I feel that my situation isn’t that serious. Although, I do not believe there’s anything wrong with going on medication.

I like to believe I am not particularly attached to anything and am simply going with the flow of life. Which turned out to be utter bull. I have a hard time moving on from even little things and letting them go. Not for everything but for some moments, life events, memories, pain…residing at the back of my mind slowly spreading its poison to disrupt my peace and happiness.

I’ve cried more this term than I ever did in my entire life. And I say that without the slightest exaggeration. I carry a lot of unnecessary shame and guilt and always forget to treat myself with compassion. Some days, I still don’t believe I am worthy of my own compassion. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t let other people treat me the way I treat myself! But I am starting to accept things as they are and it has made space for more kindness, compassion and possibilities in my heart.

There are some things that cannot see the day of light as they are intertwined with lives that are not mine. So, we’ll talk about things that are lesser in weight. Insignificance is a feeling I struggle with constantly. If you saw me, you’d never realise that. Once, I was in a room and it was full of chatter and laughter and I was smiling too. It was great because at that moment I realised humanity amongst itself is insignificant. That feeling of watching everyone live their lives from the sideline seemed a privilege. I hope, one day I will have that same moment of introspection again.

Whenever I witness happiness or a spark of joy in myself, I cling to it.¬† And it is the greatest tragedy of my life. I forget the more important things that need my attention. I let that moment define me and when it changes as do most states of life, it crushes me. And I never learned the lesson that broken heart of mine tried to teach me repeatedly. But I do now and it’s this; all moments are fleeting. It’s okay to let things go and have hope in better days. While low moments in life are inevitable, so are the euphoric moments that accompany them.

I also learned another thing. Immersing in joyous moments without looking around. What does that mean? I am to some degree an empath which means I am sensitive to the changes in emotions of the people around me. Which is both a curse and a blessing. I used to not let myself feel joy for something if my friend/family or just the people around me didn’t feel it. I always felt ashamed of enjoying the little things in life. Almost as if life’s not worth being happy about unless the people around me validated my choices.

Things take time and I am willing to be patient. I finally feel that I don’t have to apologise for being the range of traits and emotions that make me, me. Some days, I do have moments that drag me back to all the dark corners I am lighting candles in to illuminate. And other days, there are things beyond my control that blows away those candles…things that are not about identity but are just difficult to go through. Either ways, I have come to accept that in the end it will work out as it always does.

Through it all, let the beauty of all these moments adorn your eyes and curl those lips of yours into a smile.

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song of the cosmic whales

stars, little stars
from where we stood
far, far apart
the whales swimming
through the fabric of the universe
their bodies made of light
bright, translucent
little stars
at least, from where we stood
far, far apart
each one condemned
to swim for eternity
tails fluttering
leaving behind space
stained with stardust
never crossing paths
their lonely songs reverberated
dissolving in the darkness
and the universe kept
expanding, erasing their trails
shrouded in emptiness
each one
far, far apart.

here lies so and so, the designated quiet person

The morning’s paper is in
But why do I care, it’s not like I read the newspaper anyway
Well, not in its physical form per say
More accurately in my phone, it’s a bottomless scroll
Fear not, I refuse to be lured in by the falsehood.

I once read about a man who was stabbed to death
Innocent he was, never hurt another soul they said
All flesh and blood and bones
Just like the thief that stole his life away before time could
Overcasting earth with more evil only because
The poor man’s flesh was a colour that his was not.

When they asked his neighbour, ‘do tell, what was he like as a person?’
‘Nice and polite,’ they said, like they always do about the dead
‘He was very quiet.’ and then they added that.

Quiet. A word reductive, a label indelible.
You see, I’ve spent my whole life trying to be anything else
Just not that quiet person in the corner, eventually ignored and someday invisible
For silence is a weapon inciting fear even in the hearts of Godless men.

These attempts at pretending has left me lost and exhausted
Trying to prove I am something¬†(but what?) to…myself?
Somedays I make peace with being quiet because, I am.

When my body is lain in the ground, pray for my soul
Let them say, ‘here lies so and so, the designated quiet person’
No longer anything more than that
but was I ever really?

It’s okay self, set the melancholy free
Oh those of you that could love me, let it not
Make you forget the other parts of me, like I can’t forget
How they robbed him of his identity when they stopped at
‘so and so was very quiet indeed’